


things we know by heart

by prolix



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M, Podfic Available, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Revolutionaries, Revolutionaries In Love, Space Opera
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-15
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-08-15 05:35:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8044372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prolix/pseuds/prolix
Summary: sedition (n):conduct or speech inciting people to rebel against the authority of a state or monarch.//sedition (n):an offense punishable by death in the First Order.    Because before you were Finn you were FN-2187 and before that you were 2187 and before that you were nothing.





	1. part one //

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [have you heard](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5798602) by [peradi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/peradi/pseuds/peradi). 



> the story behind this is that I am garbage. this was written the week before classes started back up on three triple-shot espressos a day and desperation. essentially I read all of peradi's works in one sitting, cried a little, and then opened up a new Google Doc and this happened.  
> muse(ic) is Cryptex's remix of Coldplay's Viva La Vida.  
> title is stolen from an Andrea Gibson poem because: I am garbage.  
> enjoy, I love you!  
> \- p
> 
> * update: amazing podfic by Carpe_History available here!
> 
> * obligatory warning label: multiple references to genocide (in the form of the starkiller), multiple instances of abuse and murder (in the form of the stromtroopers), survivor's guilt, and ptsd

 

// **part one:** //

 

 

sedition (n):

conduct or speech inciting people to rebel against the authority of a state or monarch.

 

//

 

sedition (n):

an offense punishable by death in the First Order.

 

//

 

The First Order are built on words.

The words of General Hux echoing against white beetle-shell armor before the launch of Starkiller Base were not the first, or the last, because the First Order is massive and billions-strong, and those you can't control with fear, you control with words.

 

A list of words the First Order have conquered worlds with:

weakness, the failing that must be corrected, the defect that can be stamped out of its soldiers, the word that means _mercy_ and _gentleness_ and _kindness._

disorder, the offense of the New Republic and the Resistance it fosters, the enemy, the wrong that must be righted through cleansing fire.

cause, the singular purpose, the reason to fight and fight and die, the beginning and the end, why you exist.

sedition, the offence of the traitor FN-2187, he who turned against his own kind.

 

(Because words are weapons, and the best weapons are the ones you only have to fire once.)

 

//

 

FN-2187 who became Finn, FN-2187 who became Coatstealer and Thief and Friend, FN-2187 who became Enemy and Traitor, FN-2187 who is all of this, remembers this:

When you are numbers that march in time, white armor against white armor, a cause prescribed to you and embodied in the willingness of your blaster, you are not afraid to die.

When you have a name, a family, a cause you choose for yourself, you are not afraid to live.

 

//

 

FN-2187 who became Finn is burned from the mind of the Order with fire and firing squad.

FN-0139 says _I knew FN-2187 who became the enemy, he was part of my squadron_ in the bunks one night when the lights are out and they are not a beetle-shell white unified front pouring from ships and pounding battle ground beneath their feet. FN-0139 is quick on her feet and first to recite the Cause at lights-on, is short-shaven and loyal and cocksure, is a good soldier, a good soldier, a good soldier. FN-0139 says into the thin fabric of her regulation mattress (because stormtroopers are not given pillows) _I knew FN-2187 who became a traitor, and he did not shoot._

FN-0139 is shot early in alpha shift while her squadron sleeps, and is flushed out of the airlock, because in space you are not allowed to scream, and in space you are not permitted a burial.

They charge her with sedition.

 

//

 

FN-2187 is not spoken of in the First Order.

General Hux clicks his heels together and does a sharp aboutface toward Captain Phasma. "Report."

Phasma is chrome-bodied and faceless as always (Hux wonders if she remembers being anything else and then _pushes that thought away_ ) and her voice is as cold and clear as she is, like glass but harder, like glass but unbreakable.

"My sources report no suspicious activity among the ranks, General. There has been no talk of rebellion."

Hux smiles, a lean and starved thing he keeps whipped and beaten. "No talk that you know of, Captain. We must be more aggressive in our reconnaissance; FN-2187 must never happen again. We must have control."

Hux is very good at saying only the things he wants heard, very good, like the First Order is good, at making his words his weapons.

 

A list of words Hux says:

_aggressive reconnaissance_

_control_

_FN-2187_

 

A list of words Hux means:

_execution_

_obedience_

_self-determination_

 

//

 

Stormtroopers are not born. Stormtroopers are not made.

Stormtroopers are forged.

When you are small, and weak, being carted onto starships the size of small moons with names like _Conqueror_ and _Ravager_ and _Demagogue_ , these are the truths you know. When you are small, and weak, and the next generation of soldiers to serve the First Order, you are called four numbers and taught to march to their beat. Later, you will be assigned a squadron, and two letters, and you will become one piece of a unit, one fragment of the whole.

2187 is small, and weak, and these are the truths he knows.

0139 stands beside him, at the ready, because even when they are cadets (the First Order are so good with words, and they never use _child_ , because stormtroopers are not born and they are not made) they know to expect the worst and brace for it.

2187 will become a traitor, an enemy of the state, the name that means rebellion and desertion and sedition as it is whispered and celebrated and denounced across the galaxy.

0139 will become the one they make an example out of.

But they are not born this way.

 

//

 

(And this is the power of words: they mean nothing, until they are given purpose.

And then they mean _everything_.)

 

//

 

JN-5231 who once was 5231 is the one they execute next.

JN-5231 who once was squadron leader is the one who looks too long at JN-0764, who makes the mistake of smiling at her over rations, of pulling her to her feet when she stumbles during mile eleven of regimented calisthenics during alpha shift. Who makes the mistake of being kind, which is a weakness.

Captain Phasma lines up the barrel of a blaster with JN-5231's skull in front of the assembled stormtroopers aboard _Finalizer_ and pulls the trigger.

In the crowd, JN-0764 watches and does not break, and does not break, and does not break.

 

//

 

(JN-5231 had never met FN-2187. But JN-5231 heard the words _and he did not shoot_ in passing from FN-9844 who heard them from FN-0139, and something within her thought of JN-0764.

And a quarter-rotation later she died for it.

The First Order are very good with words, but words have no loyalties. The First Order are the ones who seize their own soldiers and haul them up and pull the trigger, who use words like _traitor_ and _weakness_ and _cause_ , but they are not the ones who watch the splatter-pattern their sister makes as she topples to the floor.

In the crowd, JN-0764's shielded eyes find Captain Phasma's grip on her blaster and she does not break, but thinks of JN-5231's hand on her elbow raising her up and thinks very clearly that the First Order do not tolerate mercy or kindness.

So they do not deserve either.)

 

//

 

A list of things Leia Organa is:

a princess

a queen

a general

a soldier

a leader

a wife

a widow

a sister

a daughter

a mother

a mother

a mother

 

//

 

(A list of things Kylo Ren is, according to Kylo Ren:

Not Ben Solo.)

 

//

 

FN-2187's earliest memory:

Running. Running so hard and so fast not even the bile in his stomach could catch up with him, his feet moving too fast and lungs stuttering and trembling with a fire set in each one burning him from the inside out, the ache of it, the thought that if he moved faster maybe he could outpace the pain until he was running free.

Not knowing if he was running from or toward something.

Running anyway.

 

Finn's earliest memory:

"I'm Poe, Poe Dameron."

 

(Same story, different words.)

 

//

 

General Hux's earliest memory:

Playing in the empty rooms of his family's manor house, studying old spiderwebs and excavating dust from the tarped furniture. Sitting in the middle of deserted rooms, alone. Listening to the calls of his sisters as they shrieked and chased and played. Ignoring them, because those games were for children, and Hux was not a child.

 

General Hux's latest memory:

Drawing up battlemaps in the _Finalizer_ ’s primary conference room, studying troop deployments and excavating new battlefronts with bored gestures. Sitting at the head of a full conference table, alone. Listening to subordinate officers squabble over the minutiae of supply lines and tactics of attrition. Ignoring them, because those are games for children, and Hux is not a child.

"Raze the planet."

 

(Same words. Same story.)

 

(Pay attention.)

 

//

 

JN-0764 is a good soldier. She obeys her commands: when ordered to fire into crowds of unarmed civilians, she aims for center-mass; when ordered to submit her blaster for inspection, she is prompt and the blaster is disassembled by her unfaulting hands in under thirty seconds; when Kylo Ren orders her to clean away the debris from his latest of tantrums, she begins to sort salvageable parts without hesitation.

JN-0764 is a good soldier.

(But so was JN-5231.)

 

//

 

FN-2187 was not a good soldier.

But Finn is a good man.

 

//

 

The lesson of the story is not about redemption.

The lesson of the story is not that those who have followed in the wake of terrible people or those who have done terrible things deserve a second chance. The lesson is not that FN-2187 was a stormtrooper but was redeemed. The lesson is not that even the Dark Side can have good in them.

That is not the lesson at all.

 

//

 

(What is the lesson of the story?

Ask Rey who became a Jedi: the lesson is there is good and bad in all things, but they do not cancel each other out.

Ask Poe Dameron who became the man who could fly anything: the lesson is that even when it is crushed, there is always hope.

Ask Phasma who became a Captain, who was a stormtrooper and ascended the ranks: the lesson is that no plan survives contact with the enemy, that there is a flaw in all things, and that flaw must be weeded out and eliminated before the enemy can abuse it.)

 

//

 

(Ask Kylo Ren:

the lesson is to destroy your weaknesses before they destroy you.)

 

(And he will almost believe it.)

 

//

 

Before FN-2187 was assigned his two letters and donned his helmet to fight for the glory of the Order, there was a stormtrooper called 3693 who became OS-3693.

OS-3693 looked in the reflection of the glass panel in front of her every day when the power hoses washed her down and did not understand what she saw.

OS-3693 looked across the caf table where she was assigned to sit and saw OS-0991 where he was assigned to sit and did not understand what she felt.

OS-3693 looked up when called and saluted the way she was supposed to, but it took her half a second longer to respond when called "she" as opposed to her identification or simply "you", and did not understand why.

And OS-3693 unfailingly joined the wrong line when physical examinations were due and her squadron separated according to gender.

OS-3693 was shot by her Divisional Commander, who did not suffer "deviations" in her ranks, when this became one time too many.

And JN-5231 stood, a newly-minted active duty trooper, in the squadron beside the OS unit, and watched, and did not break.

 

//

 

And later, JN-5231 will pick up a fellow soldier by the elbow, one she has been referring to as "she" even though her DivCo, the same DivCo, will call that soldier "he", because JN-0764 reacts faster to the former than the latter and JN-5231 has seen that before.

So JN-5231 will call JN-0764 "she" and will help her up when she falls, and she will die because of it, because she heard _and he did not shoot_ and saw OS-3693 die and thought of the same word each time:

deviation.

 

//

 

General Hux stands tall as his Starkiller unleashes red fury into the sky, reflecting scarlet onto his translucent eyes, and does not break, and does not break, and does not break.

Below him, JN-0764 who became squadron lieutenant watches the planet they carved into and gutted heave with its child, watches and does not break, watches and thinks: _this is who they are; they empty out the insides and build a machine to kill within, the planet that became Starkiller, the children who became stormtroopers, and on and on and on it goes._

And beside her, RX-1158 watches and does not break, and is afraid.

And beside him, QS-9461 watches and does not break, and is afraid.

And on and on and on it goes.

 

(The best weapon is the one you only have to fire once.)

(What they don't tell you is where the weapon is pointing.)  

 

//

 

In a system far, far away, a hollowed out planet destroys a star to pull its fires inside.

This planet had a name once, was filled with life - thin trees that brushed a lavender-colored sky, animals that wove between them and clawed their way up into their boughs, a race of quadripeds who built flat geometric temples to shield them from the snow - but both are gone now, long since lost. And this planet was a peaceful place, shielded by an asteroid belt at the edge of a system no one bothered to visit, until the day that the First Order came knocking on its shores. The First Order was a lean thing then, starved and weak but feral in its passion and fanatic in its purpose, and it burrowed itself into the planet. It froze the seas and knocked down the mountains, killed the trees and the animals, slaughtered the quadripeds until there were no more and burned their temples.

And then it carved out the planet until there was nothing left inside and it had forgotten it ever had life, replaced it all with machinery and convinced the planet it was whole again, said to the planet "you were once weak, but we have made you our weapon, but we have made you strong", and the planet believed it.

Ordered the planet, "go out and kill our enemies", and the planet did, with singing red fire.

 

In a system far, far away, Kylo Ren tracks the scarlet rage of the Starkiller from behind his mask, and does not break - there is nothing left in him that could, even if he wanted to.

 

(Different words.)

 

//

 

This is what FN-2187 who became Finn knows:

He wakes up every morning to sunlight filtering through the window of his quarters.

He washes in the corridor 'fresher with rationed bars of soap and gets dressed in any clothes he likes.

He puts on his jacket.

He meets Poe in the caf, and will get them both food (more rations, but not one plate isn't overflowing as soldiers and pilots and engineers and tacticians pass him) and a mug of something called "coffee" for Poe. They'll sit next to Pava and Snap, Poe's friends who are becoming Finn's friends, too, while BB-8 will bounce around their feet and _bree-oop_ at them to get their attention.

He goes to work: for now it's sporadic until the Resistance find a suitable position for him, but General Organa is already talking about giving him a command and as much as Finn is honored by the idea, he's also terrified of it. So for now he does recon work or shadows the General or helps C3PO with courier duties or lends a hand at the airstrip with Poe's squadron, and tries very very hard to be useful because old habits die hard.

He eats lunch with Poe when their rotations overlap (and what an idea: to eat in the middle of the day, to take a break from work to sit down and have _more food_ and talk) and with anyone who looks friendly when they don't.

He checks into PT and tries very hard for two hours not to scream his lungs out and ignore the pillar of fire that has replaced his spine.

He checks in with Poe before bed (which is _whenever you’re tired_ ) and sits on his mattress cross-legged while he bangs around the room setting BB-8 up on his charger and changing into pyjamas (which Finn didn't get at first; separate clothes for sleeping) and chattering about his new X-Wing, the replacement for the one destroyed on Jakku, and Pava's ridiculous bet with Snap and how is Finn doing by the way, any news from Rey?

He says "Goodnight, Poe." And Poe says "Goodnight, Finn" and always, always smiles at him.

These are things Finn knows.

 

This is what FN-2187 who became Finn learns:

He will never wake up to the harsh white of halogen lights again.

Clothes are customizable, not regulation.

The Resistance doesn't order you to keep your face covered.

People are named after other people who have done great things, or after their parents, or after obstacles that were overcome. Some people have second names, like Poe. Some names are earned. Others are given. People who have the same names are family.

Family does not mean unit, but unit tends to mean family.

If you are hurt, the Resistance will heal you.

If you cannot be healed, the Resistance will bury you.

The Resistance will never read your mind to ensure you are still loyal.

The Resistance doesn't care if you hug your best friend.

The Resistance will not kill you if you hug your best friend.

You do not have to starve from alpha shift to omega shift.

You do not have to run until you vomit.

You do not have to fire into unarmed crowds of civilians.

You do not have to kill.

You do not have to kill.

You do not have to kill.

 

//

 

(Something FN-2187 was taught:

When you have nightmares so sharp and vivid that you wake up with vomit clinging to your teeth and blood tacky and metallic in your mouth, because you were there on Jakku and did not pull the trigger, but you were also in the hangar of the _Finalizer_ filled with fellow stormtroopers in a TIE fighter and you _did_ pull the trigger, because you can still see a girl's wide galaxy eyes and a boy's laughter-creased ones swallowed up by Jakku sands when you close your own, because before you were Finn you were FN-2187 and before that you were 2187 and before that you were nothing, when this happens, you do not have to be alone.

"Finn? Whassamatter?"

"Nightmare. Can I, can I come in?"

"Yeah, of course, baby, of course."

This is what you are taught, FN-2187 who became Finn: you are not alone.)

 

//

 

A fun fact:

Armitage Hux was named after his grandfather.

_(People are named after other people who have done great things, or after their parents, or after obstacles that were overcome.)_

Another fun fact:

His classmates at Academy called him Hux. His sisters called him 'Tij.

_(Some names are earned. Others are given.)_

Another:

Brendol Hux was a viciously cold man who was never once satisfied by his son. He expressed this vocally. Over and over and over.

Armitage Hux did not speak of his father. Ever.

_(People who have the same names are family.)_

Another:

After the Starkiller weapon is fired, Hux goes back to his quarters and takes long, slow breaths. There is already talk of calling him "Destroyer".

_(Some people have second names.)_

 

Another:

General Hux is not a good soldier.

 

//

 

The lesson is not about what you are.

It's about what you _become_.

 

_(Are you listening yet?)_

 

//

 

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, a little boy who knew nothing good and pure was told he was special. He had a great destiny, and would become very powerful.  

He killed millions and burned his destiny to the ground.

Not so long ago, in a galaxy far far away, a little boy who knew nothing good and pure was never told he was special. He had no great destiny; he was not powerful.

He saved millions and did not need a destiny to do so.

 

(Same words.

Different story.)

 

//

 

(Not so long ago, in a galaxy far far away, a little girl was born from desert dust and rotting metal. She knew nothing good and pure, as the desert sands had scoured it all away. She was never told she was special, but she had a great destiny, and could become very powerful.

Not so long ago, in a galaxy far far away, a little boy was born from wide star-patterned skies and trees that reached to touch them. He knew goodness and purity. He was told he was special, that he had a great destiny, and could become very powerful.

 

Tell me how their stories end.)

 

//

 

JN-0764 who became red-pauldroned squadron leader is a good soldier.

JN-0764 is quick on her feet and first to recite the Cause at lights-on, is clever and loyal and does not break.

She watched the Starkiller weapon fire, and before that watched JN-5231 executed, and before that woke every morning and ran until the bile swelled in her throat and before that stood on a planet that wasn't her's and marched in time with other children who did not look scared, never looked scared and before that she was nothing. And she did not break. But that's not the point.

The point is that she was not alone, not all that time. The point is that stormtroopers are fragments of the whole, and that means they are taught to think alike, to look alike, and that they are never, ever alone.

The point is that JN-0764 is assigned a carrier ship filled with fellow troopers to deploy on the surface of Casper 36 to aid in the extermination of the native species.

The point is that JN-0764's carrier ship does not reach Casper 36.

The point is that seventeen other carrier ships disappear along with it.

 

(When you are numbers that march in time, white armor against white armor, a cause prescribed to you by the willingness of your blaster, you are not afraid to die.)

 

//

 

(You are not afraid to die.

What comes after is more difficult.)

 

//

 

This is what FN-2187 knows of love:

It is a sort of mercy, and therefore it is a weakness.

Weaknesses are exploitable.

Love will not make you pull the trigger.

Love is breakable.

He has never told someone "I love you" in his life.

No one has ever told him "I love you", either.

He fell in love with Rey almost immediately.

He is very, very much in love with Poe.

These are two different loves.

Love is not one thing.

 

//

 

A list of things Poe Dameron loves (in no particular order):

The sky over Yavin IV

The stars over D'Qar

His mother's voice

His father's laughter

His X-Wing

The sky

Any sky

BB-8

Coffee

The sound of his squadron going through pre-flight systems checks

The sound of his squadron going through post-flight cool-down procedures

The fact that those two sounds are almost exactly the same, every time

Finn

Finn

Finn

Finn

 

//

 

(Ask, make a list:

Rey will talk about the places she's seen

Finn will talk about the people he's met

Leia will talk about her family, her Resistance (which are one and the same)

BB-8 will whistle about Poe)

 

//

 

(Kylo Ren will think

and think

and think

and think

and by the time he has his answer, there will be no one left to hear it.)

 

//

 

Fill a thousand star systems with names.

Fill a thousand more.

And another thousand.

And another.

Fill the universe with names until it chokes, until it cannot breathe.

The names of the people who were killed by the Starkiller could not fill the universe. They could not even fill a single star system.

_It does not matter._

 

//

 

The lesson is not about redemption.

The names are not forgiven.

 

//

 

JN-0764 was once 0764. 0764 was once nothing.

FN-0139 was once 0139. 0139 was once nothing.

JN-5231 was once 5231. 5231 was once nothing.

OS-3693 was once 3693. 3693 was once nothing.

 

FN-2187 was once 2187. 2187 was once nothing.

 

The First Order think they are very good with words. They think they are clever because they do not say what they mean.

The First Order think because they assign numbers they can cancel out the fact that their stormtroopers are people. They think that in diaspora they will forget they are individuals.

They are wrong.

 

It is not about who you are.

It is about who you _become._

 

JN-0764 who became squadron lieutenant who became red-pauldroned squadron leader who became a deserter who became an enemy of the state.

FN-0139 who became _and he did not shoot_ who became an example who became a reason who became a martyr.

JN-05231 who became red-pauldroned squadron leader who became kind who became a friend who became an example who became a lesson who became another reason.

OS-3693 who became a "deviation" who became a pariah who became an example who became an inspiration who became another reason.

 

FN-2187 who became Finn.

 

//

 

Ben Solo who became a Jedi who became Kylo Ren.

Armitage Hux who became General Hux who became Hux the Destroyer.

2310 who became PH-2310 who became Captain Phasma.

 

Rey who became a scavenger who became a Jedi.

Poe Dameron who became Black Leader who became one hell of a pilot.

Leia Organa who became a Princess who became a General.

 

When you become, you take with you all that you are. You leave no pieces behind.

 

//

 

Let me tell you a story.

 

A very short time ago, in a galaxy far far away, a boy woke up to the sting of sunlight in his eyes.

He had spent his life under pale white artificial lights that made everything look pale and artificial, too. He had never seen sunlight until the day he woke up in a desert on Jakku. But he wakes up every morning now with it in his eyes, as though he could never see it enough.

And so does the boy sleeping next to him.

 

It was a lovely story, wasn't it?

 

//

 


	2. part two //

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow.  
> So, four thousand words of riffing off of one of the most popular fanfictions in the Force Awakens tag turned into a podfic, a half dozen comment threads, and a solid one hundred kudos, in the span of a couple of months. 
> 
> so.  
> here's four thousand more words.  
> muse(ic) is Until the Ribbon Breaks' remix of Fall In Love by Phantogram  
> enjoy, and I love you !
> 
> \- p

 

// **part two:** //

  


insurrection (n):

a violent uprising against an authority or government

 

//

 

insurrection (n):

the legacy of FN-2187

 

//

 

Things Kylo Ren knows:

He is not Ben Solo

 

Things Kylo Ren knows:

Ben Solo is dead

Han Solo is dead

(These two things are related)

 

Things Kylo Ren knows:

He needs to sleep; it’s been seventy-two hours since Hux’s fierce machine collapsed under itself.

(Hux’s fierce machine, which destroyed itself with the seething fire it held within, and Kylo Ren is nothing if not filled with seething fire)

It’s also been seventy-two hours since he fought a scavenger girl with a stolen lightsabre that should have belonged to him.

Since he lost to a scavenger girl with a stolen lightsabre that should have belonged to him.

(And this is what he knows of their fight: His lightsabre is different from Rey’s (Luke’s) _(Vader’s)_. Hers was a solid beam of blue edged in a halo of white; his is a writhing mess of red, frayed and angry and pulling itself apart at the edges)

(He doesn’t know why this is)

 

_(He does)_

  
//

 

Things Kylo Ren knows and wishes he didn’t:

Everything he is, he chose.

Everything he became, he chose to become.

Between what he was and what he is now are all of the things he’s done.

 

//

 

General Hux once pulled Kylo Ren from snow sticky with his own coagulated blood, the leveled remains of a planet that became a weapon crumbling around them.

“You should have left me.” Ren will say, on the shuttle, after the Starkiller has destroyed itself. He’s been sitting in the brace seats, unable to stand under his own power, holding his sabre with gloves coated in his own blood.

Hux thinks very clearly of the word “knight”, the ancient warriors who prescribed themselves to a cause and defended it with their lives. He thinks of their code of honor, their unswerving loyalty, their utter conviction.

He thinks Ren makes a poor knight.

“Yes, I should have.” Is what he says instead, “But I didn’t.”

 

(And that is the difference.)

 

//

 

There is a culture, out in the diaspora of space, that believe when you die, you must climb a mountain, carrying with you the souls of all the people you have wronged.

Can you imagine, then, the weight that Hux the Destroyer will carry?

 

(He does, at night, in dreams too fever-bright to be called nightmares.

Twenty million on the planet that became Starkiller.

Sixty million in the Hosnian system.

And they are _not forgiven.)_

 

//

 

(What is the difference between the Light and the Dark side?)

 

(Maz Kanata will tell you about the corruption of absolute power, the nuances of the Force, the seduction of the Dark.)

(Luke Skywalker will tell you about the discipline of the Light, the painstaking training to channel the Force and control oneself, the balance of the two sides and the delicate equilibrium they create.)

(Leia Organa will tell you about what means are taken to reach one’s ends, about how it is not what you do but what is done to others, about the world of difference between one’s intentions and one’s impact.)

(Kylo Ren will say “Only one is not afraid of the power of the Force”.)

 

(Rey will say “Only one allows fear to be used as a weapon”.)

 

//

 

Once upon a time, a Jedi saw what was happening to his apprentice, what he would become, and called it the Dark side.

The apprentice slaughtered millions.

 

Once upon a time, a mother saw what was happening to her son, what he would become, and said _there is still Light in him._

 

Tell me how the story ends.

 

//

 

 _It is not about what we are,_ says the First Order, massacring the masses across entire systems of stars. _It is about what we will become,_ it says, gazing beyond the blood and blasterfire toward the bright white future it has promised.

(There will always be those who do not understand the lesson.)

 

//

 

(The lesson is about becoming.

But what you are willing to do in order to become is something else entirely.)

 

//

 

A short time ago, in a galaxy far far away, eighteen carrier ships filled with stormtroopers disappeared.

A short time ago, in a galaxy far far away, JN-0764 stood in front of forty other stormtroopers, the entirety of her unit, and told them a story.

Words are weapons, are bullets lined up against teeth.

JN-0764 opens her mouth, and reloads her weapon.

 _Once upon a time,_ she said, _there was a stormtrooper called FN-2187, and before that he was 2187, and before that he was nothing, and he did not shoot._

And this is how it begins.

(JN-9913, her unit lieutenant, will ask her _why did he not shoot?_

And JN-0764 will reply _because he was not a good soldier.)_

 

//

 

Words mean nothing until they are given meaning.

And then they mean everything.

This is what JN-0764 who was once 0764 who was once nothing knows.

 

//

 

Once upon a time a little boy with green eyes who would become a little boy with yellow eyes was told "Do not hesitate; show no mercy."

The Padawans he slaughtered begged him to hesitate, to show mercy, anyway.

Once upon a little boy with brown eyes who would become a little boy with a screaming red lightsabre was told "Do not hesitate; show no mercy."

The Padawans he slaughtered did not beg.

 

Words form stories; stories are the tales we tell ourselves of becoming, of the world and its joy and its sorrow and its creation and its end, of us, of who we were and who we will be.

Histories are stories, too.

 

//

 

General Organa folds her hands and watches the sun rise over the easternmost ridges of D’Qar. Her hair is loose when not spiraled into a crown, the only crown she has ever worn, against the back of her head. It is so like her mother's hair; she has been told this.

What she has not been told was if it was the mother who birthed her or the mother who raised her.

"Princess! Princess Organa! _Oh - "_ C3PO totters to a stop at the doors of her chambers, insistently requesting entrance via the door panel. Leia smiles and ushers the door aside.

"General, there has been a report from our reconnaissance satellites," C3PO says, giving a belated half-bow when she turns to face him.

“Threepio,” the General says calmly, "What is it?"

"Dear me, General," C3PO says, fluttering his hands, "It has been reported that eighteen First Order carrier ships are en route to our base."

 

//

 

"Report." Says Hux.

Captain Phasma corrects the line of her shoulders, a bar of steel flexing straighter still, and says "It is confirmed, General. The SF unit has deserted its post, commandeered a carrier ship, and departed the planet. Suppression of this intel has already begun."

Hux feels the teeth in the back of his mouth slot together, their crowns glancing off of each other like metal sparking against metal.

"And our resident attack dog? How fairs he?"

"Master Ren has killed five of his doctors as of latest tally. The Medical wing has also been vented of atmosphere twice, depressurized three times, and the oxygen in the wing set on fire."

"Bored, is he?" Hux summarizes. Captain Phasma remains glacially silent.

"I believe it is time again to make an example for the troops," Hux the Destroyer says, watching the primary hangar of the _Finalizer_ fill with alpha shift 'troopers, "Alert Medical that we have need for our infirmed Master Ren one last time before his departure."

 

//

 

FN-2187 who is now Finn is woken up like this:

"Finn, Finn, baby, c'mon, something's happened."

He's up and alert in an instant because before he was _'Finn, baby'_ he was a stormtrooper and stormtroopers come when called.

"What? What is it?"

Poe is shrugging on his uniform and tossing Finn his jacket in one motion, and Finn wants to appreciate this, this man who is giving Finn what was once a piece of himself but which he entrusted to Finn, who is pulling a shirt over his flyaway curls ( _and I did that,_ thinks Finn, _I am the reason he needs to do that_ ), and prodding BB-8 out of his defrag cycle.

"Organa comm'd us," Poe says, the line of his mouth tight and unhappy, as Finn dresses in half the time because he was a stormtrooper and he came when called, "She wants you in audience. Something about the recon satellites picking up a fleet en route."

And because Finn is smart, because he was a stormtrooper who survived and that is not an easy thing, that is never an easy thing, surviving, asks "First Order?"

Poe looks up at him, one hand snagging on the buckles of his flight vest, because he is smart too and knows when he is being called into battle and when he is not and this time he is, he is, says "Yeah. First Order."

 

//

 

Far, far away, in a galaxy dancing through open void to music composed by physics and thermodynamics and quantum mechanics, Rey folds her hands in her lap and stares unblinkingly at Luke Skywalker.

"Good, Rey," he says, because he is a man who knows that kindness is a better motivator than destiny or prophecy, "Focus. The Force will lift what you ask of it, you must only request it of it. Do not try to use the Force as a glove via which you accomplish your means, instead let it converse with you in a dialogue of mutual respect."

"I _am_ trying, Master." Rey says. Around her, ten arches of sea rock begin to shake free of their foundations, a few hovering just centimeters above the ground.

"Do not lift from the bottom, my Padawan," Luke reminds, in his voice like the breaking of waves on the shore and the salt-bitten wind off the cliff faces, "find the center of gravity and touch it with your mind. The keystones will support the weight of the arches, just as they do on land."

Rey breathes out, from her belly, and the arches lift another few inches.

Luke is silent, reaching out with his mind to touch the places where Rey's mind shakes and frays like a hand over her's.

And then her mind explodes.

Luke resists the recoil that slams into him, containing the edges of her mind as she cries out and begins to tremble. The arches crash back into the rain-softened soil, crumbling with impact.

 _"Master,"_ Rey manages. Luke brushes against the hard edges of fear-panic-confusion-rage as they wrap blade-like around his apprentice's mind and lets them slice against his shields.

"I am here. Tell me what you see." Luke says, and even he is unsure if he says this aloud or through their connected minds.

"It's Finn," she says, curling her fingers through her hair and pulling sharp and hard, "He's scared. He's so scared, in danger, _I can’t see_ \- "

"Peace, my Padawan, let it come."

"And Ren," Rey says, so quiet, the muscles in her throat contracting as though swallowing shards of metal, "He is… I can't… Finn needs me." She rises, summoning her staff, something he has not taught her yet.

Luke retreats from her mind, raising a hand peaceably, "You must stay. The Resistance has no need for an untrained Jedi. Focus on the connection between yourself and Ren - the more you can glean from his mind, the more information the Resistance has to defeat him with. Rey," he says, craggy voice roughened with disuse going soft, "I understand. Leia's mind calls to me, as well."

Rey bites down on her lips until they burst under the pressure, blood a metallic acid in her mouth, uses that physical pain to draw herself away from Finn's fear.

"Yes, Master."

 

//

 

Poe Dameron understands this of stormtroopers:

They are the enemy

They are obedient

They are good soldiers

 

Poe Dameron understands this of Finn:

He is not the enemy

He is not obedient

He is not a good soldier

 

Poe Dameron understands that Finn was a stormtrooper, but is not one any longer. Sometimes wonders if Finn was ever a true stormtrooper.

He does not understand the lesson.

 

//

 

This is what Finn knows of stormtroopers:

They are deliberate, obedient, expendable, inexhaustible pieces of a machine.

 

This is what Finn knows of FN-2187:

He rejected the machine.

 

What happens when one cog does not comply with the rest?

What happens when one of the pieces of the machine breaks?

 

//

 

(This is what JN-0764 knows of stormtroopers:

They are not pieces of a fierce machine; they bleed, are killed, are forged.

They are people and so are not any one thing, are not able to be quantified.

They are people and so they are not good soldiers.)

 

//

 

(They are people and so they are capable of _so much.)_

 

//

 

Leia Organa watches the satellite images of eighteen carrier ships descending on her home, hands carefully concealed within the sleeves of her dress. Her hair is pulled up and away, a crown coiled against the curve of her skull, so like her mother's.

"Can we hail them?" She asks.

The officer manning the comms panel gives her the affirmative.

"Finn," she says, watching him come to attention with whipcord reflex with something like sadness touching the corners of her eyes, something like regret, "We do not know their intention. Does this look like a trap?"

 _She is asking FN-2187,_ Finn thinks, _not me, not who I am now._

(He is wrong; she is asking the soldier with kind eyes, the traitor with intense loyalty, the boy from nothing who became everything, Finn with compassion in his ribs and bravery in his spine and mercy in his smile.)

"Stormtroopers aren't used for espionage missions," he says, stepping up to the dias beside her, "if this were a trap it would probably be a single officer, higher ranking, with a story about desertion or family in the Resistance - less of a risk in case of actual defection. I don't know what this is."

"Very well. We proceed with this in mind. Thank you," Leia says, bowing slightly to Finn to give her words weight, Finn who blinks amazed at her before nodding and returning to his spot by Poe.

"Hail them."

 

//

 

 _" - tion,_ First Order ships. We order you to hold your position and state your intention. Proceed any further into our airspace and we will open fire. Confirm."

"Confirmed - _Jesus kriff_ that's Leia Organa."

"8431, give me the mic. Confirmed, ma'am. We comply."

"State your intention."

"Wait a mo'. 0764, d'you wanna - "

"Yes, thank you.

“This is JN-0764. I am one of fifty-five stormtroopers aboard the fleet of carriers we have commandeered from the First Order. We are here to ask you a question."

"JN-0764, we have no reason to permit you landing until you state your intention. If you do not comply - "

"We are here to ask a question of FN-2187."

"A question? Very well, we will do our best to answer it. Finn, are you okay with this?"

“Yes, General.”

“ _Jesus_ . _Kriff_. It’s FN-21 - “

“8431, shut the fuck up. FN-2187?”

“I’m here.”

 

“Why didn’t you shoot?”

 

//

 

They are not called Stormtroopers, capital _S._ They are stormtroopers, lower case _s._

Ask JN-0764, who carries the promise of vengeance for JN-5231 in her ribs, and she will tell you “Because the First Order are so good with words, and they do not capitalize words like tool, like weapon, like child or soldier which are one and the same, and we are no different than any of those things to them.”

Ask FN-2187, who carries the feral brittle-bright light of (love) (hope) _(becoming)_ in his ribs, and he will tell you “Because that’s our design, to go unnoticed, a crowd of ourselves, like another word in a sentence, nothing worth mention. Nothing special.”

 

//

 

_Why didn’t you shoot?_

Finn stares ahead, listening to the silence of the open pickup.

He remembers Jakku, the heat and pressure and the village where his unitmates rounded up civilians and slaughtered them, tore open children with their blasters and gunned down the parents once they were finished. Remembers Kylo Ren slicing through the chest of an old man with a lightsabre that was more furious light than plasma, the one that looked nothing like the lightsabre Finn held in his hands and swung at a stormtrooper on Takodana.

And that is the question.

Because _why didn't you shoot_ does not mean just that. It means _why did you swing the lightsabre_ and it means _you were there on Jakku and did not pull the trigger, but you were also in the hangar of the Finalizer filled with fellow stormtroopers in a TIE fighter and you did pull the trigger._

It means _explain your treason to us, FN-2187 who became Finn, we who are trying to explain our own._

Finn thinks of eighteen carrier ships full of traitors just like him and speaks.

 

//

 

"There are things we know by heart. For stormtroopers, it's how to march in time, how to assemble a blaster and fire it, how to follow orders.

"I remember being scared, the way they tell you never to be, watching my unit being shot down on Jakku. I remember FN-0334, because the last thing she ever did was reach for me. I remember that I was with her when she died and I didn't take my helmet off and I wish I had, so that she could see that I was scared, too. That if we were scared together it would be okay.

"I remember being told to open fire and not being able to, because even though it was something I knew how to do by heart, something I was trained to do, those people I was supposed to kill were scared too. We were the same, except for the blaster I was holding, and how was I supposed to kill them if we were the same?

"Do you get it? I didn't shoot because I made a choice. Just like you made a choice. Because we were scared. And we are all the same when we're afraid; we're not stormtroopers or Resistance fighters or the First Order or Jedi. When we're afraid we're all just _people_.

"And I think that's something important."

 

//

 

FN-2187 who became Finn takes a deep breath and holds it and does not break, trying not to feel the dozens of eyes on him around the control room. Instead he listens to the feedback through the transmission, and hopes.

"We lay down arms and officially surrender to the Resistance and its Republic. We denounce our ties to the First Order," JN-0764 finally says, and the tension in Finn's shoulders drops off.

"Confirmed." General Organa says, catching Finn's hand in her own and squeezing once before pulling away. Finn nods to her and steps down from the dias.

"Fifty-five former stormtroopers," C3PO says to R2D2 by the comms panel, _"Oh dear."_

 

//

 

(How do we become?

Ask FN-2187, who saw the massacre of civilians who were scared like he was and decided _never again._

Ask JN-5231 who saw what happened to JN-2325 and decided _never again._

Ask Leia Organa, who saw Alderan burn and decided _never again._

Ask BB-8, who left Poe Dameron once and decided _never again.)_

 

(Ask Anakin Skywalker, who fell in love with Padme Amidala and decided _always.)_

 

//

 

Once upon a time a little boy born to wide open skies and glowflies decided he was no longer Ben Solo, no longer the promises of his father and the kind eyes of his mother, and cast off his name and took on a new one.

 _Kylo,_ he said, knelt before Leader Snoke, _I would be called Kylo._

And once upon a time General Hux heard _Kylo Ren_ and thought _the fool has taken the name of his mother and the name of his father and made them his._

Because the second two letters of his mother’s last name and the last two of his father’s do not spell _Ben Solo._

 

When we become we take with us all that we are.

(What does that make Kylo Ren?)

 

//

 

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away, Kylo Ren bowed his head and said _forgive me, I feel it again. The pull to the light._

And a little boy with blue eyes who once became a little boy with yellow eyes screamed back _you fool, this isn’t what I wanted, this isn’t what I wanted._

But Kylo Ren did not hear him.

And so it goes.

 

//

 

Let me tell you a story.

There was once a little boy, who had two sisters he loved very much and a father he loved not at all. And that little boy learned how to be cold, how to analyze battle maps and make the decisions that would assure victory and nothing else.

And that little boy was told a story.

 _There was once a man like you and I,_ his father told him, _who was a great and noble warrior but wanted to become something more. And so he asked of his mother to dip him in a river that would make his skin indestructible. And so she did, holding him by the ankle. And so he went on to destroy his enemies and conquer._

And that little boy grew up to destroy his enemies and conquer, too.

But here is the part of the story he was not told:

_And that man became something more than a man. But there is a flaw in all things, and his weakness became his downfall. Because when you become, you take with you all that you are. And so it goes._

 

They call the little boy the Destroyer, now.

(Tell me how the story ends.)

 

//

 

(Because it makes all the difference in the world, not that you become, but how.)

 

//

 

Things Finn is:

Not FN-2187

 

//

 

D'Qar's moons are pale lavender through the window of Poe's quarters.

Finn sits at the edge of the mattress and breathes in, deep and slow, through his nose. He wishes Rey were here, to tell him how to _do this_ , he doesn't know how to do this.

 

(JN-0764 and her squadron had disembarked as the sun had just begun to dip behind the mountain ranges to the north, all of them still a white-bodied unified front.

"FN-2187," JN-0764 said, reaching up with both hands to thumb at the catches at the back of her helmet, and pulled it off.

She dropped it, unceremoniously, at his feet.

"I request to be put under FN-2187's command." said JN-0764 to General Organa.

Organa tilted her head. "Finn has not been given a command yet," she said. Finn was vaguely aware that he's not breathing.

JN-0764 studied her for a long moment. Her hair was regulation short, eyes Coruscant bright, skin dark like Finn's. Behind her, fifty four stormtroopers waited in silent rows, the way they were trained to.

"Then I refuse to fight for the Resistance." JN-0764 said, and Finn sucked in air through his teeth on instinct.

But General Organa's eyes were bright with a humor he didn’t understand.

"Well, then," she said, "if that is the case, it seems that I should give him one, doesn't it?"

She faced the fifty four other stormtroopers and asked "Anyone else?"

Fifty four helmets hit the ground in front of him.

Every single one requested his command.)

 

The door to the 'fresher slides back open. Poe runs a hand through his wet hair, takes one look at Finn, and comes to sit next to him.

"Well," he says slowly, "that could've gone worse."

Finn laughs, the way he learned how to in the cockpit of a TIE fighter.

"What am I supposed to do?" He asks his lap.

Poe sighs, leaning into Finn's side. His hand comes up to rest over his spine, just where Ren's lightsabre had bitten deep, the keloid tissue there matching the split in the leather of Poe's jacket in an awful kind of symmetry.

"You do your best," Poe says, "with the hand you're given. It's all you can do. It's all any of us are doing."

Finn nods. Considers.

Says, "I love you", because it's true, it's worth saying.

Poe laughs against his skin, reaching up to press a kiss to his mouth.

"I know," he says.

 

//

 

Three wings away, JN-0764 guards the door.

Her youngest is fourteen years old, fresh off the cadet assembly line. JN-0764 is a good soldier; she knows never to take risks.

JN-9913 leans against the wall beside her while the others figure out sleeping arrangements. They've been given one of the barrack-style quarters near Medical meant for overflow because it's the closest the Resistance could come to the First Order.

"They called him Finn," he says. "He's not FN-2187 anymore."

"He will always be FN-2187," JN-0764 says. "He can be more than one thing."

JN-9913 glances at her and then away, ashamed of himself at being so obvious without the cover of his helmet.

"D'you think we'll get names, too?" He asks.

JN-0764 smiles, faint and hard at the corners, as though forcing the expression to form.

"If we do, I think yours should be 'bantha-fucker'."

The other fifty-three troopers startle when JN-9913 begins to laugh.

 

//

 

( _"I love you"_ , says Finn to Poe, because it's true, because it's worth saying.

 _"I miss you"_ , says Leia Organa to the folded symmetry of her hands woven tight together, because it's true, because it's worth saying.

 _"I trust you"_ , says Rey to Luke Skywalker as he offers to guide her through his Force presence, because it's true, because it's worth saying.

 _"I am not you"_ , says Hux the Destroyer to the back of his eyelids as he forces them shut, because it's true, because it's worth saying.

 _"I obey you"_ , says Kylo Ren before the throne of Supreme Leader Snoke. Because it's worth saying.)

 

//

 

"General," Captain Phasma says, and Hux can hear her come to attention like a cord pulling taut, "There is news from Anoat."

"Has Leader Snoke requested my presence?" Hux asks idly, flexing his fingers within the fit of his gloves.

"No, sir. Kylo Ren's training is complete, sir. We're to collect him."

 _"What?"_ Hux spins on a heel. The flint in his voice makes the control room fall silent on instinct.

Phasma does not flinch - it is not in her programming, and she is nothing except her programming.

"He knows the location of the Resistance base, sir."

 

//

 

(Six lightyears away, Luke Skywalker grips the edge of an archway with the servos of his metal hand until they begin to crumble.

"Master," Rey says, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Luke swallows around the closing vice of his teeth and manages to let go.

"It was not your fault," he says. "I should have foreseen this, should have been more careful."

"He accessed your mind through mine." Rey says, quietly, as though not wanting to make it a question for fear Luke will confirm it. Her fingers twitch; he senses it, he knows the motion - the gesture of children raised by the desert who ache for the sky; he knows it well - as though wanting to change course on a navigation array that is not there.

As though wanting to become fists, the same component parts but in a different arrangement.

"Yes." He says, because it is true, because it is worth saying. "I did not expect him to be able to - it has been so long since I felt him, and never like this, _never like - "_ Luke stops the words behind the cage of his teeth, swallows them back down, before continuing, "He knows your mind, from your time on _Finalizer_. He knows mine, as well."

"He knows where we are?" Rey asks, "Did he get that much?"

"Yes, he knows. But his focus was not that."

"Then what does he want?"

"I do not - "

Luke straightens suddenly, the fine metal fibers of his hand slackening. The opposite of becoming a fist, of changing course - this is the gesture of children who have had their worlds destroyed and did not break; Finn knows it well.

 _"D'Qar."_ He says. Because it is true. Because it is worth saying.)

 

//

 

_(Leia_

_He's coming for you)_

  
_(Run)_

 

//


	3. a placeholder (7 / 31)

hi everyone! it's me! I've lazarus'd my way back into this shit!

before you get too excited, as you can see, this  _isn't_ the long awaited conclusion to the totally experimental journey I took you all on almost a year _(?!)_ ago. 

this is, for the time-being, a  _placeholder_ for the story. as we're all super eager for, _the last jedi_ will be coming out shortly, and it just didn't make sense for me to conclude this little ditty here only for it to be completely bowled over by _tlj_ canon. 

_so._

I will be continuing this! just, not until _the last jedi_ debuts, so I can start scaffolding off of that. which! means! this is probably going to have more content than expected! which is cool! 

so, stick around, and wait for this little benchmarker to be taken down ^^ 

 

love you,

\- p

 

( _but p!_ you scream into the oblivion of a secure wifi connection, _I've so loved listening to the dulcet tones of carpe_history read me this fic! who will read to me now?_

fear not, once I start this engine up again we'll sort that out. carpe's done some amazing work reading aloud my trash garbage, but it'd be unfair to expect them to read  _all_ of this, especially with new and unexpected updates to come. I'll probably take up the mantle of reading this old thing with my dumb voice if carpe signs off. _but_ until then, sit tight, set a countdown for _tlj_ , and enjoy!)

 


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